Depression and Despair: Today's Cancer Emotions

Every time I think I've got a handle on this cancer crap and I can cope, something happens to slap me down.

Despair: Courtesy of U.S. National Archives and Records Administration

After hearing 2 days ago that Medicaid (IF I qualify for it) does pay for cancer treament, I was feeling a tad better. But yesterday, information I was given makes it sound like I will not be able to get radiation treatment (and maybe chemo as well) until I actually have insurance or have the ability to pay for it myself.

All these billing and financial people seem to think I should get Medicaid with no problem but how long is it going to take? Will I still be alive when it goes through?

I would dearly love to feel more upbeat (and it would definitely help my darling husband if I could feel that way) but how does one NOT despair or be depressed when your life is on the line and all you can do is wait and wait, then wait some more?

Anger and Rage: Cancer Emotions of the Day

I am not generally an optimistic or positive-attitude kind of person. So I was quite surprised that I wasn't immediately full of pessimistic thoughts upon hearing that I have lung cancer. I was ready to fight as hard as I could as long as there was an attainable goal still in sight. However, today is a day with no optimism.... only rage.

Image Courtesy of Stefan-Xp

The thoracic surgeon's report that the cancer seemed localized gave me some hope for a bit of extra time with treatment. He wanted to see that treament happen very quickly. Small Cell lung cancer grows and spreads very rapidly. Early treatment gives the best outcome. 

So why in hell did we have to call the oncologist ourselves to see what the hold-up was?? And while I had been hoping to start treatment even as early as sometime this week, my appointments with the radiation oncologist and the one who deals with chemo are a whole friggin' week away!

C'mon! I don't have a week to waste!

Now paranoia creeps in and I wonder if I am having to wait a week to even be seen because I don't have insurance. In spite of what many people in the good ol' USA think, it isn't true that the poor get all these health care freebies at their expense. I am looking at a pile of medical bills already for all the tests and labs and nowhere on those bills do I see, "Wait! You're poor so you can ignore this bill!"

And I DO believe it's possible that people like me get pushed to the bottom of pile, beneath those folks who do have insurance.

Like an idiot, after finding out how long I still have to wait, I decided to Google 'survival time for Small Cell lung cancer without treatment.' And the thrilling, exciting answer is.... 2 to 4 months! 

So, yeah. I am furious! With this type of cancer, that extra week could mean the difference between getting a fair amount of time to finish living or a pitifully much smaller time.

Atul Gawande: Living Well, Letting Go, and Dying Well

I suspect that the mind of almost everyone who gets a lung cancer diagnosis, as well as other diseases, very quickly jumps to thoughts of death and dying. I know that's where my mind instantly went.

But I am certainly not going to focus on that, at least not yet and not in a negative way.

Yet the possibility of death cannot be ignored either.

Enter Dr. Atul Gawande. Reading several articles written by him have already lead me to believe that I can live the end of my life well.

I had read enough about cancers, including lung cancer, to know that I was not going to be one of those people to fight to the end no matter how bad or how worthless the fight becomes. I will most definitely have an Advanced Directive and I have in mind, to a certain extent, just what my limits might be. Dr. Gawande's writings helped to clarify that and give me a starting point for making end of life decisions. I DO NOT want to wait until it's too late to make my own choices.

The Ultimate Bed to Die In: Image Courtesy of Wmart07

Must read articles from Atul Gawande:

"We Have Medicalized Aging, and That Experiment Is Failing Us"
The prescription, he argues in "Being Mortal," is to rethink our priorities for the dying—and give 'em something to live for.

No Risky Chances: The conversation that matters most. (End of Life Medical Decisions)

Letting Go: What should medicine do when it can’t save your life?

Atul Gawande's book Being Mortal :

In Being Mortal, bestselling author Atul Gawande tackles the hardest challenge of his profession: how medicine can not only improve life but also the process of its ending...
Full of eye-opening research and riveting storytelling, Being Mortal asserts that medicine can comfort and enhance our experience even to the end, providing not only a good life but also a good end.

If It Wasn't For Bad Luck I'd Have No Luck At All

I'm sure we are related to the Murphy of Murphy's Law fame. It just seems that if something can possibly go wrong, especially when we can least afford to deal with it either financially or emotionally, it will happen.

Image Courtesy of wolfsjourney

We have one vehicle. It's a 1998 Ford full-size van. It has served us well over the years.

But it seems that Mr. Murphy looked under the hood and decided we needed mechanical problems right now. So it's on it's way to the repair shop and I am stewing over how much the repairs will cost.

Under our current circumstances, I can't afford to be without a vehicle to get me to my medical appointments. We live in a bedroom community which is 45 minutes to an hour away from our hospital. So bus service or taxi transportation are pretty much out of the question.

Public Domain Image

Fingers crossed for a reasonable repair bill.

How Am I Going to Pay for Cancer Treatment?

I have lung cancer. The thoracic surgeon called today and he says it is Small Cell lung cancer. Leave it to me to get the type that only a small percent of people get and the kind that is more aggressive and rapidly growing than Non Small Cell cancer.

The good news is that the cancer seems to be localized to the thoracic area. He has referred me to an oncologist and wants me to begin chemotherapy and radiation as early this week.

My thoughts immediately jump to.. how am I going to pay for this treatment? I don't have insurance. I've applied for Medicaid and I should qualify but how long will it take them to make up their minds if I am eligible? My thoracic guy gave me the distinct impression that my best chance is with swift treament.

Will the oncologist just go ahead with treatment before I know if I'll have Medicaid? Somehow I doubt it. My hospital has a payment plan but you only get 2 years to pay. Yeah, right. I can come up with large enough payments to get the entire bill paid off in 2 years on our fixed income of Social Security. (Yes, that was sarcasm.)

Apparently, the hospital has some type of Financial Assistance program but one needs to be first turned down by Medicaid to even be considered.

Image Credit: Serge Melki

So, yeah. I don't have enough to worry about. I get to make myself sicker wondering if I will find a way to pay or if I will have to give up before I've even begun. I hope I'm just having a panic attack but bad luck has dogged me my entire life so it's hard to be optimistic.

Lung Cancer Diagnosis - Now What?

Tuesday was officially C Day. After a bronchoscopy and biopsy, it was clear that lung cancer was no longer just a suspicion but is now an official diagnosis. So where do we go from here?

Image Credit: Patrick J. Lynch, medical illustrator; C. Carl Jaffe, MD, cardiologist

At the moment, I am waiting for the biopsy results and word on just which type of lung cancer I have. I had a PET scan Saturday. I guess the results of that will tell me if the cancer has spread, where, and how much.

I kept telling myself I would feel a bit less anxious once I had a firm answer as to whether it is or isn't lung cancer. But the waiting game, which causes the anxiety, continues.

I still need answers: what type of lung cancer is it? Has it metastasized? Is treatment of any kind an option?

I don't know where this blog will go. I would like to think there might eventually be something here that could help someone else. I know best practices for SEO (search engine optimazation) to assure that Journaling Cancer can be found in a web search. But I think I will just take my chances on getting found by someone who might need answers I've already found without worry about proper SEO. I don't have it in me right now.

I have discovered one small advantage, for me, in getting a cancer diagnosis. I don't much give a damn what other people think any more so I am not afraid to say what I think.

I'm an Etsy Vintage seller. I sometimes participate on their discussion forums. A couple of times, I've had my patties slapped, so to speak, for breaking a forum rule. Etsy doesn't like anyone to mention the resellers there. They prefer to pretend that everything on the site is legimately Handmade or Vintage rather than cheap crap bought for resale.

Since my 2 forum warnings, I have been very careful what I say in Discussions. Too many warnings and one can be permanently bounced from the forums.

But now, what have I got to lose? I'm disgusted with these sellers who start threads similar to "Rah! Rah! Look at me! I made $10,000!" I think they should add "neener, neener, neener!" because that's how it comes across to me. So I wasn't outright rude but I did make it plain that threads like that, as well as threads decrying so-called negativity, completely turn me off.

Don't tell me I'm a whiner if I think you brag too damned much about how well you are doing. I'm sure I'm not the only seller who finds your constant bragging depressing.

And don't tell me to make lemonade when life throws me lemons. Lemonade is not a cure for cancer.

 Image courtesy of André Karwath aka Aka